Over the past few weeks, staying at home has led me to explore more online communities. Reddit threads have really come through, especially since feeling extremely bored and disconnect from people and places for support and the sharing of ideas. Naturally, I joined all of the Black queer subreddits I could find (which has been an adventure I will discuss later). On one of them, I came across a post that went something like this:
I feel like I am in too many intersections and I always feel left out. As someone who’s bi, I feel too gay for the straights and too straight for the gay folks. I’m also a weird black guy that like video games, anime and rock music so I feel too white for the black kids and to black for the white kids. Please tell me that I’m normal.
The sentiments shared in this post I’m sure are not uncommon. I’ve heard similar feelings shared by people in a variety of situations that don’t neatly fit into any particular identity. Feelings of being too white but not Black enough, too foreign but not American enough, too straight passing but not queer enough, too complicated or layered, not easily defined. In this way, categories do us no favors. For people at the intersections, these categories can be debilitating, having us question ourselves or shove a part of ourselves aside to fit with a certain group or image.
I’m conflicted because part of me understands the need to categorize sexuality as both a political and conceptual strategy. We use them to explain ourselves and find each other. Without labels like lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc., I wouldn’t have been able to find these online communities, organize groups of people, or quickly explain a part of myself that I may have in common with the person I’m speaking to. This is what labels do for us.
However, part of me believes that it isn’t possible to have a categorical understanding of sexuality that is unproblematic because when one group is created, it has to leave something out. I think this is why many young people gravitate towards the word “queer” in place of lgbtqia terminology. Because of “queer” vagueness, it leaves room for all of the possibilities that can exist in one’s understanding of their attraction to other people. Human sexuality is boundless in its possibility.
But then what would a label-less view look like? Would this be undefined chaos with subjective understandings of sex and identity? Would that be a bad thing? How would people organize meaningfully around certain identities without a specific name? What are the costs of the different understandings of sexuality and who gets left out?
My response to the Reddit poster and anyone else with similar feelings:
These categories we use to define ourselves are arbitrary and imperfect as they could never encompass the complexity of human experiences.
Now these labels (black/lgbtq, queer, bi, etc.) are necessary for politics, organizing, and self-identification. BUT these boxes, by definition, will always leave people out and no one fits in them very neatly. It’s hard because we organize our world around them, but try to remember that your complexity brings a beautiful, interesting, and essential perspective to a world that sees things in a black/white gay/straight either/or kinda way. That’s very special.
The Sensual Scholar 